As I sit here in my presidential compound, sipping a grubsnucker daiquiri and watching reruns of Unicop (now available for purchase on my holo-net site), I can’t help but reminisce about my rise to Galactic President of the Polaris Galaxy. Sure, some might say I was a bit callous in my ascension, but homicidal planet thieves aside, I think the whole thing went off without a hitch. The galaxy is safe, unemployment is at an all-time low, and my approval rating has never been… well, the galaxy is safe.
This era of awesomeness does come with some bad news, I’m afraid. It was brought to my attention that Insomniac Games decided to name my upcoming adventure Ratchet & Clank: All 4 One. When my agent finally returned my call and informed me that I had once again been excluded from the title, I was enraged. Not for myself, mind you – after all, what am I if not humble? No, my fellow citizen, I was enraged for you. How many years have you waited with bated breath for Captain Qwark to get top billing? How many times have you thrown your arms into the sky and called out “When is it going to be Qwark’s time?!”
Enraged by this injustice, I took my plight directly to planet Earth. A hotshot Sony producer named Greg Phillips informed me (between sips of an energy drink I’m fairly certain would be classified as toxic in my galaxy) that he personally named the latest game after his favorite R&B group. Victory, it seemed, was beyond my vice-like grasp.
Desperate, I took my fight to Ted Price himself. The Earthians had clearly established this man as some kind of king, or shaman warrior. He shrewdly offered me a chance to change the title of the game – but only if I vanquished him in a cage match using crude weaponry carved from tools found in the Insomniac broom closet. After three rounds and a few surgical strikes using my broom sword, I vanquished my opponent. Pinned under the might of my biceps, Shaman Price agreed to let me change the name to a title befitting of a revered galactic champion like myself. So today, before all of you, I reveal the new name of our upcoming adventure:
I think we can all agree this title truly encapsulates the spirit of all that is great about this wonderful franchise. It obviously had a strong impact on the Sony marketing team, as my phone hasn’t stopped ringing since I scrawled it on a cocktail napkin after three whole minutes of brainstorming. If I ever return one of those calls, I’ll be sure to wish Kevin Butler a hearty “You’re welcome.”
So enjoy Copernicus Qwark’s Awesomely Epic 3D Adventure through Time and Space. Revel in the splendor of a third D, courtesy of your favorite superhero. For this will be the crown jewel in my long and illustrious career. Finally, my friends, it’s Qwark’s time!
Copernicus L. Qwark
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